In my 30+ years’ experience in senior housing, I have met clients who struggle with having conversations with their loved ones about making the decision to move to a senior living community. There are many emotions involved in these conversations including guilt, fear, sadness and rejection. Unfortunately, these conversations never get any easier and the longer it takes, the harder they become. Hopefully these insights will be helpful to you.
Change is not easy
The common phrase I hear is “We have spoken with dad and he refuses to move.” People who have dementia have a difficult time with change. They become accustomed to their daily routine and surroundings. If you bring up the subject about moving or bring in help, the immediate response will be “No, I don’t need any help.” This is very common with people with dementia. They resist any type of help and they don’t realize the impact that their decision is having on you or your family. Until you realize that your roles have changed in your household, this cycle will continue.
Dementia effects judgement too
Many people think dementia is only about someone’s memory loss. It is important to realize is that dementia can also effect judgement. This is especially difficult if the former decision- maker of the family is not able to make sound decisions anymore. Many spouses who are caregivers find themselves in the situation, where they expect their spouse to make logical decisions and have a hard time recognizing their loved one is not capable of doing so anymore.
Like a hike in the woods
A good analogy to consider is a hiker lost in the woods. The hiker walks endlessly in the circles trying to find the right path out of the woods, however he is unable to find the right way out. It is frustrating, scary and a embarrassing to be lost. Imagine now, you find this hiker and you take him by the hand and lead him down the correct path. Yes, there could be some resistance along the way, however you know you are the doing the right thing. You stay the course and eventually, you and the hiker arrive at a safe place that is familiar. You have saved the day! Discussing the senior housing option is very similar. You need to take the lead and make the decision. Yes, your role as the follower has changed. You now need to take charge and be the leader.
The danger of doing nothing
Yes, you can do nothing and not ‘rock the apple cart,’ however doing nothing is actually doing something. The end result may not be what you expected! Too many times, the caregiver is the one that becomes ill and requires care. By being the caregiver, your immune system is weakening and you are most susceptible to illness or experiencing a severe medical condition or even a fall. If something happens to you, who is going to take care of your spouse? Unfortunately, the person with dementia and the denial to do anything is creating a potentially dangerous situation for you. In addition, senior housing options become more limited and more expensive if you wait until care is needed to force a decision. It is always better to “select rather than settle.” Making a decision in a crisis mode is never a good idea. Being proactive and recognizing that it is important to have a plan for your future health care needs is a much wiser (and less expensive) route to take.
Conversation tactics
Prepare to be open, honest, and non-argumentative when discussing these topics with your loved ones. These conversations need to take place in a quiet and comfortable setting such as your living room or around the kitchen table. Keep in mind that you already know the resistance you will be get. Be prepared. You also need to recognize that you know best in this situation and that even though you would like your loved one’s approval, a decision needs to be make. Maintaining the status quo is no longer an option. One tactic that I’ve found to be useful to tell your loved that a temporary move needs to occur. It can because of a home repair or a pending vacation to go up North. A temporary change is much easier to handle rather than a permanent move. You can also tell your loved one that he needs to do this for you since you are not feeling well and you need some extra help. Keep in mind that even though you would want your spouse’s agreement, you are in charge now and the decision is yours to make. “Honey, we are going to do this and we are going to make the best of it together.”
Seek counsel
Trying to resolve this by yourself is difficult. If what you have been trying isn’t working, it’s time to call in the cavalry. Seeking the help of an independent third party to step in is not a bad idea. Do you have a family member or close friend that can be ‘the heavy?’ You may also want to reach out to your doctor, clergy. attorney and financial advisor. There are support networks such as the Alzheimer’s support network and other caregiver support groups to help you. As senior housing advisors, we can also help. We have year’s of experience helping people through these difficult situations. We do the research for you and have resources available to make this much easier on you.
The new normal
Amazingly, once the decision has been made and you move to your new home at a senior living community, a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders. There are many advantages of living at a senior living community and it won’t take long for your new home to be your new normal. Your loved one, who put up so much resistance will develop his routine in very little time and be thankful you made the decision. Just like the hiker in the woods, you have save the day!
The other day, I received a call from a daughter of a client. She was in tears and shared with me the issues she is dealing with overseeing her dad’s care. As she explained, she is now responsible to oversee her dad’s day to day care while her two brothers are helping financially. Tearfully, she said, “all I want to do is be my dad’s daughter again.” This situation resonated with me because I see so many people afraid of change who are in a state of denial about their future long-term care needs and are unaware of the impact their decisions have on their family. There are many advantages of living at a senior living community. These include:
Access to on-site services and amenities
Senior living communities are designed to help promote one’s independence and provide a care-free lifestyle for their residents. On-site services and amenities typically include dining, housekeeping, transportation, maintenance, security and social activities. Residents enjoy chef-prepared meals without the hassle of shopping, prepping, cooking and cleaning. Say goodbye to TV dinners and dining alone. Many senior communities have a wide spectrum of activities including fitness programs, card playing and lectures and seminars. Well stocked libraries and even happy hours are common. Your days will be as full as you want them. Yes, you can bring your own car, however transportation services to shopping, doctors’ appointments, area excursions and cultural events are available to make your life easier. Remember, you might be able to drive today, but in the future, it may be safer to let someone do it for you. If something stops working in your apartment like your air conditioner or your disposal, all you do is make one phone call and the issue is handled. You don’t even need to stick around for the obnoxious “window of time” waiting for someone to show up. You can go to your aqua aerobics class and when you return, the issue has been resolved. Life is good!
Access to on-site health care
As we age, we might require more assistance. This could be on short term rehab basis or longer term. Yes, you can bring in care in your home, however there is a limit to what can be provided and is expensive and difficult to manage. Imagine living at a senior community and being able to use the on-site physical therapy services or being able to see your doctor right on campus. Yes, the convenience factor is huge, however the ability to have access to these services will help you stay active and independent longer. On-site services may also include assistance with bathing, dressing and ambulation and even medication management. These services are available for you when you need them. Most senior living communities have 24 emergency response systems in case someone fell or not feeling well. Having on-site emergency response can literally save your life! Many senior living communities have visiting doctors including specialists who will see patients right at the community. No more boring waiting rooms for you! Knowing that you have access to these on-site services will help you stay active longer and provide you with the peace of mind that you know if something ever happens, that you have planned ahead.
Peace of mind
Knowing that you are not a burden to your spouse or your family can not be understated. The peace of mind of knowing you have planned ahead and that you are able to live carefree is priceless. Recognizing that something will probably change in your health and that is better to have a plan in place before it does is an important step. There are too many people who live in a state of denial and wait for a crisis to occur before making any plans. This is not a wise move. Researching the right place that fits your needs and lifestyle will take some time and the last thing you want to do is let someone else make this decision for you.
Financial security
It is amazing when you compare what you are paying in your own home versus what is included in a senior living community, you will see what a value the senior living community provides. Your food and household expenses will dramatically be lowered. Knowing you have a predictable monthly fee will help you develop a better financial plan. There are different financial arrangements for senior living communities including rental, buy-in (CCRC) or equity ownership. If you elect to stay at home and bring in care, your financial situation could change drastically because of the expense of home health care. There are other financial assistance programs available if you move to an assisted living facility include Aid and Attendance through the Veteran’s Administration. Unfortunately, Medicare does not pay for assisted living and there are only a few assisted living facilities that will accept Medicaid. Usually, someone needs to be living in assisted living before being able to tap into Medicaid. Again, planning ahead is the key.
Friendships and Fun
Senior living communities provide the opportunity for life-long friendships and never being lonely again. There have been numerous studies done that prove people live longer and healthier when they are around other people. Socialization at senior communities is what makes people always say, “I wish I would have done it sooner.” Knowing that you can participate in as much of or as little of activities provides you with opportunities to meet people and have fun. And, there is a lot of fun being had at these senior living communities. Mostly because, the worry burden is off of your shoulders. Many people also continue their interests outside the community include participating in church activities, volunteering and entertaining with friends. Most importantly, your family now can be your family again and not be 24/7 caregivers.
Established in 1986, The Florida State Guardianship Association (FSGA) is a 501c3 non-profit organization. FSGA is the premier statewide organization promoting and supporting excellence in the practice of guardianship and is the voice advocating for the incapacitated and their guardians.
The Florida State Guardianship Association is dedicated to the protection of the dignity and rights of incapacitated persons and to increasing the professionalism of guardianship through education, networking and legislative action.
The FSGA is approximately 550 members strong, made up of guardians, attorneys, care providers, fiduciaries, social workers, nurses, court personnel and many other disciplines, and many others make up this dynamic not for profit member organization. We have a statewide presence through our thirteen chapters and our members meet regularly for education, training, networking and development in their own communities.
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Established in 1996, the National Alliance for Caregiving is a non-profit coalition of national organizations focusing on advancing family caregiving through research, innovation, and advocacy. The Alliance conducts research, does policy analysis, develops national best-practice programs, and works to increase public awareness of family caregiving issues.
Recognizing that family caregivers provide important societal and financial contributions toward maintaining the well-being of those they care for, the Alliance is dedicated to improving quality of life for families and their care recipients through research, innovation, and advocacy.
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